a is for author

What a great idea Cassi had.  So here I start my Encyclopedia of Me, and we'll see how long I can keep it up.

My mother is an author, and ever since I can remember, when people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd answer without hesitation and with utter clarity, "an author."  I won short story and poetry contests, was the editor of my high-school paper, majored in English at UC Davis.  And I wrote, copiously.  Journals, letters (oh, yeah, lots of letters), poems.  Depressing, lonely, heartbroken stuff.  Looking back, I wasn't a particularly happy adolescent.  I was always longing for something, seeking approval, popularity, relationships with people who weren't very good for me.  And then I graduated early, got a job, and met my future husband, someone who treated me very well and who I didn't have to pine over, and I was happy.  I stopped writing. 

I look at my favorite author, some of my favorite works, and see that they're all so tragic, so sad.  And I think that's what made them great... So many memorable authors were depressed, had tragedies befall them, committed suicide.  I think they must have had a drive, a *need* to expunge or somehow try to exorcise some inner demons.  When you're happy,  you're just too busy living in the moment to stop and write it all down.  You don't want to miss a second, and writing is such a solitary venture.  But when your heart is broken, your insides hurt with loss, and you feel completely isolated, then you have to try to purge yourself of those feelings, before they consume you.  It doesn't usually work very well, but at least you've then given birth to an amazing work of literature.  Of course, I'm being completely general and offhand about all this, and there are tons of funny, uplifting and light pieces that are equally important, but you get what I mean, I'm trying to make a point here.

Even Charlotte's Web, which which was the film my daughters and I watched yesterday for free film Tuesday (the Regal Cinemas Family Film Festival), is *so* good, but totally sob-worthy.  I remember loving that book, reading it and getting pulled into that world, and then, as I neared the end, the wide-eyed disbelief, the gasp when it slowly dawned on me that something horrible was going to happen.  I saw it on Rebecca's face yesterday, heard it in her whimper, as we were both crying silently in the theatre, and after my I'm-a-horrible-mommy, what-have-I-done moment, I hugged her really tight and tried to whisper assurances in her ear.  I really think she's going to be like I was, and need a lot of compassion and empathy, and sometimes a gentle kick in the rear. 

My little sensitive one is going to be in for one heck of a ride, I'm afraid.  But I will be here for her, and I will try to remember what it was like.  Who knows, maybe she'll become the famous writer like her grandma.  But I hope that in the grand scheme of things, she and my mom both have the scales weighing much more heavily on the happy side.

Comments

[Ali]

Michelle, what a great post. You really touched me.

[lorinda]

Such wisdom and truth in your words, Michelle.

You are writing your story in the lives of your beautiful girls. There may be time to record a story, but what you are doing now is the most important.

[Sue]

Michelle – what a lovely tribute to authors everywhere and to your daughter. It’s interesting to me the different turn of events each of our lives take, whether it be spiritually, emotionally or what have you. I think keeping a journal is an excellent idea. I have thought of doing that myself too many times to mention, though I have yet to be serious about it. Perhaps now is as good as time as any. My children are all going to be teenagers by the end of this year, so perhaps I should write about the journey of parenting teenagers. Stay tuned! ;-)

[Beth]

What a beautiful post, Michelle! I'm glad that you are a happier person now! It can be hard being a teenager - it was for me.

When I became pregnant with E, I started writing in journals. It felt like I was connecting with her since I couldn't really talk with her. Eventually, I didn't have time to write and ended up stopping. Maybe now that she's turning into a teenager, I should start writing again. Although, I hope we'll still be able to talk. :)

[Heidi]

What has your mother written? Anything I would have heard or, or would like to read?

[Diana]

by a chance I stumbled upon this journal today, it really caught me...and this post moved me dearly. thank you for sharing your thoughts